Gary
March 7, 2010
When I heard about Arnold from Different Strokes being arrested, I said, What you talkin’ about?
Jewish Comedians
March 4, 2010
I received this in an e-mail. One liners can be brutal in print. America’s JIM
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:Shecky Greene,Red Buttons,Myron Cohen,Totie Fields, Joey Bishop,Milton Berle,Jan Murray,Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman,Buddy Hackett,Sid Caesar,Groucho Marx,Jackie Mason,Victor Borge,Woody Allen,Joan Rivers,Lenny Bruce,George Burns,Allan Sherman,Jerry Lewis,Peter Sellers (?),Carl Reiner,Shelley Berman,Gene Wilder,George Jessel,Alan King,Mel Brooks,Phil Silvers, Jack Carter,Rodney Dangerfield,Don Rickles ,Jack Benny and so many others.
And there was not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are a few examples:
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? “Honey, I’m home!”
* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
*The Doctor gave a man six months to live The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
*Doctor:”You’ll live to be 60!”Patient:”I am 60!” Doctor: “See!
What did I tell you?”
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc,how do I stand? ” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!”
*Patient:”I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor:”Don’t answer!”
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
*Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q:Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A:Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
Q:Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A:It’s called, ‘Debbie Does Dishes’.
Q:Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A:They never let any one finish a sentence!
Q:What’s a Jewish American Princess’s favorite position?
A:Facing Bloomingdale’s.
A man called his mother in Florida,
“Mom, how are you?”
” Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?” She said, “Because I haven’t
eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible.
Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered,
“Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should
call..”
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a
part in the play. She asks,
“What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
“The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
Q:Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A:Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q:How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh)”Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.”
Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us.We won. Let’s eat.
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
Q:What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A:Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Q:Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A:Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20%
Charlie
February 21, 2010
Two And A Half Men is my favorite sitcom, although Jake is getting way too old. They’ll have to rename it Three Men or better yet, Two Men And A… America’s JIM
Cleaning lady
February 20, 2010
I’ve received the e-mail below several times and today I decided to pass it on. I used to help my step-dad clean office buildings, fortunately we were alone because if we would have had people around they would have certainly learned my name. I also know my maternal grandfather use to clean a news station in Midland, thanks to him I can now work in a T.V. newsroom. Finally, I remember one cleaning man in San Angelo who was a big deal around Christmas because he was the best Santa Claus around. My point: I love this e-mail. JMD
Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady.
During my second month of college, our professor
Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
And had breezed through the questions until I read
The last one:
“What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?”
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
Cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
Dark-haired and in her 50’s, but how would I know her name?
I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
The last question would count toward our quiz grade.
“Absolutely, ” said the professor. “In your careers,
You will meet many people. All are significant.. They
Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
Is smile and say “hello.”
I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
Name was Dorothy
Strength
February 14, 2010
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
- Eleanor Roosevelt
I came across the first and only reality show that I actually like. Pit Boss showcases four real people who all have a ton of personality.
The main guy is an ex-con who is doing more good than most of us now. The twist is he’s not easy to like, but you love him anyway.
Their mission is to rescue pitt bulls and change the negative stereotype associated with the breed. They can also be seen going into low income neighborhoods with pizza, skateboards and chocolate bars.
The only woman in the show has a smile that kills and when she dances you know everything is going to be okay.
The other two guys seem to have a habit of going above and beyond and they’re not afraid of anything. One is a former cheerleader the other a former bodybuilder.
In one episode the viewers get to meet Linda Blair from the scariest movie of all time, The Exorcist. She seems to be doing really well.
In a day when anyone can get on T.V. this show and its cast really belong. JMD
Dare
February 5, 2010
| “Dare! And dare again–and go on daring. This is the secret of success!” - Unknown |
Ability
January 25, 2010
- Lou Holtz
Talent
January 19, 2010
“There’s a common misconception that a person’s skill is their talent. Skills, however, are not talents. Talents, on the other hand, require skills. People can have skills and knowledge in areas where their talents do not lie. If they have a job that requires their skills but not their talents, organizations will never tap into their passion or voice. They’ll go through the motions, but this will only make them appear to need external supervision and motivation.”
- Unknown
You can do it
January 10, 2010
“The Creator has not given you a longing to do that which you have no ability to do.”
- Orison Swett Marden
Drama
January 2, 2010
“We respond to a drama to that extent to which it corresponds to our dream life.”
- David Mamet
“I must get a life, one more New Year’s with Kathy carrying on like a red-headed stepchild making Andy giggle like a little girl will not happen again.”
- America’s JIM
